Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I hurt. I'm in pain. I'm full of hatred, anger, angst. I want to be destructive. I feel like I have been destruct, torn apart. The seams have busted open, my polyfill stuffing is spilling out everywhere. The tufts of stuffing are so light that the swirling winds of my tortured soul are blowing them into the eyes of my lovers. And the more I try to gather myself, the more the stuffing comes out. Thus in turn creating those swirling winds. All I want is some piece of mind. I want the winds to stop. I want to stop. I'm tired of picking up the tufts, the pieces of my mind, my heart, my soul.

So here I have these thoughts. I feel worthless. I feel like I have nothing to offer. I feel stripped of all light. All things bright. I'm losing interest in the things I love. The things that are the most important to me. I don't (this sounds horrible) have the emotional stamina to deal with my 2 year old, Diabetic son. I have a hard time realizing and keeping at the forefront of my brain that he is 2. And he's so sweet, and kind and caring, and I don't really care. I mean, I do. Please don't think that I'm not caring for my child. I have to. Being Diabetic is life threating. if there is not proper care, he doesn't live. THEN I would have a right to say that life is worthless and empty of all meaning.

But that hasn't happened. And I still feel worthless. I still feel like it's a f*ckin' joke man.

I'm just at a total loss. I almost can't feel anything. It's like when the water is so hot, it's cold and you don't realize until you're already burnt.

Ultimately, I just want to be ok. I want to be the best momI can be for my beautiful son. I aspire to be a good wife to my absolutely wonderful, amazing, awesome husband. That's not asking too much, is it?

Monday, November 13, 2006


Holidays aren't very much fun for me. I mean it's great as long as the only thing I deal with is the family members I'd like to deal with. But that's not how life works.

So this rant kinda goes along with the previous one. Things haven't gotten any better between my mother and I. And acutally things have gotten worse (see previous post for details if interested). My grandparents (my mother's parents) have now decided to get involved. As I now see it, they have taken sides.

So what happened was this:

My grandfather calls me one Sat. afternoon. I'm pretty sick with a cold and so is Rylan. Here's how the phone conversation went:

G: Hey Rava, How's it goin'?
Me: Oh ok. How are you?
G:Oh, alright. Yea, so what I'm calling about is, we (my grandparents) were having lunch with your mother and we were talking, and would you bring Rylan (my 2yr.old son) to our house for about a 1/2 hour so your mother can see him?
Me: *Jaw dropping* Um, No. I'm not comfortable with that. No, I'm sorry.
G:Well that's what I figured.
Me: I'm sorry that you're in the middle grandpa.
G: Well I'm not. That's all I was calling for. I'll talk to you later. Bye now.
Me: *Confusion* Ok. bye.

My Grandparents were the last little bit of hope I had in my 'blood' family. I don't understand why they are acting this way. I had a horrible time with my father. And they are putting me through the same sort of bull crap! They saw me struggle at the ages of 13 -15. I was horribly depressed, a mild alcolholic, and sucidial. Then, I really didn't have anything to live for. I was so young. Now, I'm a mother and a wife, and I don't feel worthy. I don't feel like I want to live. Kinda like 'what's the point?'

But how fucked up is that for my husband and son. My son is Diabetic. My family needs me. And I am having the hardest time being present for little sweet bug. I've been in tears for three days now. I don't know wat to do. This is the reason I've been sad:

Tues. the 14, Jason (my hubby) went to get the mail at his shop and there was a piece of
trifolded paper in the mail box without an envelope, no address on the outside, nothing. It was a letter from my mother to my husband. I still have it. I'm going to post it because it makes absolutely no sense. I wish I had a scanner, then you could see where she made little marks like they are points NOT to be missed. And I'm copying this word for word, letter for letter. I mean it's typed on a computer, and I know they have spell check on their computer.

Not only that, but I was talking to my husband about this and I told him that with the fact that my grandparents are now against me, I feel like she's trying to turn my husband against me. And he brought up the point that maybe she really wanted Jason's parents to get it first. So what, are you trying to isolate me? It's like she's an abuser and I'm the abusee. She's trying to take away all that means something to me in order for me to feel completely alone, so the only person I can run to, to make things better, is her. Then she would get her way.

So here's the letter she sent:

Dear Jason

I'm writing to you to see if the problems can be taken care of. This can be done if the family's would sit down and talk. Rava is not having anything to do with her family. Jason no one deserves to have Rylan out of their life, or for him not to knowus he need to to know both side of the . I never did any thing for this to be like it is. What will you tell that boy when he gets older. No one can say we didn't care about him. Jason I wouldlike to know if Rylan gets the card, and if he gets to have the gifts that I send to him. (I'd just like to state that she sent a 2yr. old a Halloween card. He can't read yet. I felt she's just trying to throw pins and needles in me) We all need to remember their is two sides to every story. WE need to all be a family and stop this hurting. Rava said that I made you feel ike you couldn't take care of your family becouse of me buying things for the family. Sorry, I did it becouse I wanted to. I never thought for one minute. Jason things were said about me not being able to care for Rylan if something happen. Ask Rava who's been the one that has take care of every thing in the family when Alisha was drowning who's the onethat jumped in and saved her when on one was doing any thing at the pool but screaming (ok, so I need to add here that Alisha was 3 yrs. old. There were two adults and three shildren there the day Alisha jumped in the pool. The two adults were my mom and her sister. Alisha is my cousin. The third child that was there was her little brother that was about 1 1/2 old. So honestly, do you really expect the mother to be doing anything more than screaming? One of the adults needs to saty out to protect the other children that are present. Plus, my mother was the closest one to the pool. Rose, the aunt, was doing something with Anthony. So I don't really understand why she's bring this up as a 'valid' point.) When Bill died
who was there, and so on and so on. I ask where is Rava, and what does she say. (Bill was my 16 yr old step-brother and he died in a car accident. I was 21 and had never delt with the death of someone close to me. She's the wife of a husband who had just lost his youngest son. Do you really expect him to be doing the funeral? No, do you really expect Bills' mother to do it? No, especially not when he died 15 minutes after her birthday!! Come on woman?!?!?! Where is your head?!?! Sorry I really need to vent!) I'm the one that is there where there is an emergence every time. One time 28 years ago I was up set and let my friend clean she up I never left her side, and it was the first time she got hurt. I'm the one time. (this part makes absolutely no sense. I think I have a clue as what she's talking about. Maybe when I got drug around the parkinglot be a dog when I was like 3. I thought dogs and cats could be friends. I do remember that her friend cleaned me up and that my momwas crying and could deal with me because I was bleeding all over the place and one of her friends was a nurse. I've never held that 'against' her. I was 3. I ddn't know better. I laugh at it now!) I don't run to the beach or to Armstrong grove. I take care of things. For every action there is a reaction. Look around you and you can see life is short. Peopleare around for only a short time. IS THIS HOW IT'S TO BE. DOES ANYONE THINK THIS IS HEALTHEY. Jason I weas upsetabout Rylan falling off the bed not becouse of him getting hurt I know she would do this again. I'm not the one that has done this for the thrid time. I'm not trying to couse any more problems I hope you see that.


p.s. I never wanted this to happen I think this is a sad thing.

So Jason got this on Tues, like I said. well he know that this is been really hard on me and that any time I see them or get something from them, it sends me for a few loops for a few days. (I know I'm so dramatic!!! It's hard to give all the history in such a short note ;^) right!) Well Jason didn't tell me that he had even gotten this letter until Fri. He had written her back during that time. So here is what he had to say in response to her letter:


First off....I never once said that I thought you were buying things for us because you didn’t think I can take care of my family. I don’t know where you got that impression and it most certainly is not true. I have no reason to believe that anyone would think that of me. It is possible that Rava may have said something and then it was misinterpreted. (This seems to happen often). That being said...every gift given by you has been very much appreciated.

We never thought that by us saying we were uncomfortable with you watching Rylan by yourself; would make you think that we didn’t want you to see him. We also didn’t say it because we thought that you would not know what to do if something happened, we were afraid that something would happen. Example: In the first 2 years that I have known you, there has been 2 occasions when you blacked out because of an asthma attack. As Rylan's parents we had to ask ourselves: what would happen if a blackout occurred while playing in the back yard, next to a pool without a cover on it? On another note, what would happen if a piece of a gun was mistakenly not removed from the firearm and Rylan curiously fiddled with it? I am not going to get into every little thing that made us uncomfortable, it is beside the point. If we did not say anything to you and something did happen, all Rava and I could do is say “We knew that was going to happen” and we would live the rest of our lives wishing that we had said something. Believe me when I say that it was a difficult to decision to tell you. Rava thought that you would take it the wrong way….she was right. The bottom line is that as Rylan’s parents we have the duty and obligation to do whatever is in Rylan’s safest and best interest. What we did was not a malicious doing, it wasn’t an evil act against you and we hoped that you would understand that Rylan’s safety comes before ANYTHING. He is our son and means more to us than anything else in the world, and as his parents that is the decision we made. We only hoped that you wouldn’t take it personally.

Honestly I don’t think that this situation is all that’s going on here. Simple misunderstandings should be easily cleared up. If we want to fix anything I think that we need to tackle the bigger picture. Let me make one thing clear, this whole situation is not really about me or Rylan; it is about you and Rava.

In your letter you refer to times that you were “there” for people in the past when they needed you. I find it interesting that there is no reference to a time that you were,”there” for Rava when she, really needed you. If there were times…remind her of them, remind her that you care about her. It might be a good start for you to write her a letter, not me. In writing this letter you must be very careful not to point fingers or defend yourself. Don’t write a letter that sends the message of “I’m right and your wrong”. Rava is very sensitive to this and it does you no good. (Write a positive letter, not a negative one). You need to put everything that is in the past aside, including the current situation, and speak to your daughter from your heart, telling her how you feel about her and not how you feel about her actions or reactions. Also in your letter you said that no one deserves to have Rylan out of their life…. Well, before Rylan there is Rava, your daughter; and she is a beautiful, smart, loving adult who so far has been an exceptional mother to my son. As part of my family I couldn’t ask for much more in a wife or the mother of my child. Your comment made me I ask myself; does Rava deserve to have a family that doesn’t seem to recognize these traits and does anyone deserve to not have her a part of their life? The answer is no but we are not going to subject Rylan to a uncomfortable environment just so that people can see him. We need to be able to be at the same place, at the same time, in the same room…..positively.
It will be impossible to have a loving relationship with your grandson if you can’t have one with your own daughter.

I think in order to move forward we will have to do a little bit more than getting the whole family together to talk. Families are ok for fixing situations.....not years of bottled up emotions. I think you and Rava are going to need some counseling; together. The counselor that you see can not be yours or hers; it needs to be someone fresh that has no knowledge from previous visits.

I too wish things weren’t like this but it is what it is and at this point, it seems out of my reach.
There is not much I can do to repair Rava’s relationship with you. What I can tell you is, returning bags full of personal items, breaks her heart and only makes her feel less a part of the family.
I also know that not having a Mother hurts Rava just as much, if not more, as not having a grandson hurts you.

I will do what I need to do to help get through this but we will all need to work together to fix the root of the problem in order to stop hurting. (No flower can flourish with dead roots).

This was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. And I couldn't have summed it up any better. In fact, no one has ever been able to put our situation into words like that. Honestly, I don't think I can say much else. Other than, it's the day before Thanksgiving, and I haven't heard a word from my family. I guess they just don't love me anymore. And I guess that's ok. That's what therapist are for.

I would like to end this with the thought that anyone who reads this is having a much better time than I. And if not, I'm so sorry for your pain.

I hope all goes well for your holidays! Namaste!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Rav's Rants

So this is my rants and raves page. This is where I vent. Today, I want to vent about my my life. Well, no, my mom. Or lack thereof really.

So I'm really not a bad person. I have a beatiful 19 mo. son, that is bright and wonderful. My husband and I get along very well. There are no fights. Sure the occasional argument, nothing's perfect. We live in a nice house in a nice area of town. I'm not a druggie, I'm not a thief. I don't conive or cheat. So why, in Gods' name, am I treated like I am all of these things?

I just don't get it. This is the thrid time in three years that we have stopped talking for an extended peroid or time. The first time I was 19. I had gotten out of an unhealth relationship and started seeing this guy who was rad. He was nice, attentive, sweet, loving, had a good job. He was willing to take care of me. Within the first week of dating. A little too fast, but he was so sweet....
Then the old dude came to my house and asked me how many times I had rolled over in bed and wanted to say his name (the yucky one) only to realize it wasn't him.

Well, that made me feel bad in regards to the nice dude, so I left him. And never told him why. I still feel horrible for those actions that happened 9 years ago.

Just a note: the nice dude is doing very well. I am actually pretty good friends with his wife whom he got together with right after I 'left him.' He has the most beautiful 4 year old girl. So I guess everything for a reason.

The yucky dude, I can't say he's doing all that well. He had taught me to be responsible for my own actions and that not enough people do that. I recently talked to him and he was trying to blame someone else for him being drunk on his motorcycle and laying it down. He didn't get hurt very bad, just some scrapes, but it was twice in one night. I just really wanted to laugh in his face, but I didn't.

So because I had gone back to the dude that wasn't going to take care of me. (My mom was already envisioning marriage and babies with the nice dude. A week into the relationship.) She decided I was bad and stopped talking to me for alike a year and a 1/2.

Then the next time, at 22, I wanted to deal with the fact that my step-father had violated my space. He never really 'touched' my boobies (I'm 14 at this time) but if was a finger's width higher, he would have been touching them.
Nothing else ever happened, but I was never ok with him again. I think it's somewhat understandable. So I wanted to deal with this, and I was told that it never happened, there was really nothing to discuss, but if I didn't call her before a certain day, like the day before I was going to TX to deal with my super lame ass druggie father. That I have now pretty much put out of my life. You know, like I don't have and never did. Kinda like he's dead to me.

So I'm pissed that my own mother doesn't believe me and isn't willing to even hear my side, since there wasn't any sides. It didn't happen remember?

So that was that. My mother and I lived in the same town and never once did I see her. Not in traffic, nothing. She worked downtown near the bus depot, (I didn't have a car for a long time. A very long time.)and I would avoid going through her place of work because too many people knew me there and I didn't want her to know anything about me. I was very thin and didn't look healthy. and I wasn't very healthy. I didn't feel healthy inside. Things weren't right with me, but if you knew all that background, it would make sense. Now I know that there are other people out there that are worse off, but there are others out there that are better too. This is just my story. Everbody's got one.

Well, three years later, I am a much healthier person. I'm in a good relationship. It looks like this guy may be the one. and I get pregnant. It's around x-mas time, and my mom sends a gift over with my (step)brother. The card has words in it that make me feel like maybe the time is right. Maybe they can see, and sit with my pain for a minute.

On X-mas eve day, so 12-24, I go over to her house. It was actually ok. I told her I was preggers, we talked she showed off all the money, I mean work, they had put into the house. I have to laugh. Here I am. A 25 year old woman (I guess we can say that) and my mom is having to puff out her chest and tell me how much this piece was and the $10,000 custom entertainment center. This is what we talk about in our first conversation in 3 and 1/2 years. I guess I should have taken a clue then.

My step-dad had been sleeping. When he came out we talked about what happened. I told my story and his response was, and I quote, "That's not how I remember it, but we don't need to go into details." *Mouth on floor* Ok, I'm thinking, you're actually saying that something happened. That's more than I had expected quite honestly.

So they throw me a huge (way too over board for me) baby shower. She bought me all kinds of gifts. I mean I feel like she was trying to buy me back.

Time went by, we're ok. My son is just over a year and I'm dropping him off so I can go to work. My mom and I are chit-chatting and I notice that leaning up against the way is a shot gun. Shells attached. I said that I wasn't very comfortable with that and her response was, 'You just don't know enough about them. We'll get you in a class so you're more comfortable with them.' *Again mouth on floor*

I talked to my husband about it and he told me that he actually wasn't very cool with her having him. He worries about his son when he is in her care. My phone rings about a hour later, and my heart jumps in my throat. I realize, that every time she calls, that's what my heart does. I'm afraid that she's about to tell me that I need to meet her at the emergency room. That's not a great feeling.

My hubby and I discuss somethings, and we decide that we need to tell her that she can't have him be herself. I told her just that, and she took it as that I was tekking her that she could never again have her grandson. She's totally emotional about it. She was so emotional that I couldn't even talk to her to tell her that what she think's is going on, really isn't what's going on.

I talk to my mom one day, like a day or two after I stated my boundries, and she's so emotional, I tell her that she's not helping and she hangs up on me.

Two days later my step dad calls me up and says that he wants to talk to me about the situation. He meets up with my hudbby and I at my hubby's work and me step dad proceeds to tell me that after I got off the phone with my mom she freaked out and had a huge asthma attack. She flailing her arms and really losing it so me step dad tries to hold her down so she's not using more oxygen (ok not the wisest idea on my step dads part) and she freaks out and slam him in the face giving him a huge black eye, then she decideds that coming after him with scissors is a good idea. WRONG!! He tells us that we're making the right decision, we just need to worry about our son and our son only.

Later on we find out that he's not on our team since my left him and didn't talk to him for 4 days. No communication what-so-ever. Well, his world falls apart and in order to keep my mom, he conforms to her way of thought. So now he can't even look at us.

You know, she's the one who has decided to take it to this level. At thanksgiving, she didn't want to tell me when dinner would be. I would have to call my grandmother, her mother to find that out.

My uncle just died of cancer. Just before he passed we had a family gathering at my grandparents house and first we didn't even know if they, my family, wanted us there. My mom was taking family photos. My hubby had to actually ask my mom if she wanted us there bacause we were getting the impression that we weren't welcome.

But when we got there, both my mom and step dad hovered around my uncle. My brother told me the next day that before i got there, they weren't even hanging around my uncle. But as soon as I got there, they were hovering. My step dad couldn't even look at me, and almost refused to shake my hubby's hand.

My Uncle dies two days later, I'm at the hospital, and she still can't talk to me. Nor can my step dad look at me. Luckily my grandfather sees all this go down. Unfortunately, my grandparents won't talk to my mom. They're too old and don't want to risk having any more family problems.

She's a total bitch the whole time at the funeral. I had been there for quite some time, and so had my cousin, but when we all sat down for the viewing to begin, she had to walk by me to on my cousin. Totally got in my space, but still refused to talk to me.

So now I am going to see a professional so that maybe I can develope some sort of coping tools.