Reflections

Reflections of my soul. they are many, like the many facets of a finely cut stone. The depth, the flash of color, the beauty. It's all me. And I like it. I think it's nice to be able to say, 'Yea. Yea, I AM OK.' And truly believe it.

Now, I 'm not saying I'm perfect. If I was, I would have nothing to work on. And what fun would life be if I didn't have anything (or part/ aspect of myself) to work on? Nobody really wants to be friends with a perfectionist. As a human being, I can strive for perfection in certain areas that I would like to do well, but I can't be perfect in every way. And THAT'S OK!!!!

I do feel more balanced. I am better able to see my emotions, now it's catching them before they (the nasty ones that I'd like to get under control) come out. But I've one way for my whole life so far. It's hard to undo 30 years of habit. So as long as I take it slow, one step at a time, I will be where I want to be.

And that's all that matters to me. I'm getting to the point to where I just don't care what other folks think of me. I don't care what strangers think of me. I've always been very worried about the judgements of strangers.

I've had a hard time adjusting to being a mom and housewife because I've been trying to cram myself into some sort of labeled mold that I just don't fit into. But all that matters in the big picture of things is, how is my kid? Is he good? Is he where I'd like him to be? does he reflect the type of mother that I am, and is that OK with me? And you what? He's a good kid. He's smart, he's pretty well behaved, he says please and thank you (most of the time). I mean, really, what more could I want? And why would I want more? He's perfect just the way he is!! (Can you tell I'm reminding myself?)

But anyways, this Journey we call Life is a very interesting one. It has it's ups and downs. And when I die I'd like to say, I enjoyed every minute of this, sometimes chaotic, life.

Blessings to you, my unknown friends!! My life smile upon you today and every day!!

Namaste

I have a new friend.

And she is AWESOME!!!! I have been going through the last 5-6 yrs pretty much devoid of 'spirituality.' My reason? Well, falling in love can do funny things to a girl (if she lets it).

Not that it's his fault, but my hubby just doesn't really believe... in anything. I guess he is teh true definition of agnostic. He doesn't denouce it, he just needs more proof. And, well, I can get pretty airy faery about what I believe in. And for some reason or another I became ashamed of my beliefs around him. And well, we're married and we have two children now (4yr and 12mo.), so we spend a lot of time together. So I just put the little hippie girl in a box and forgot about her. Then she even got pretty covered up and the mom role and the wifey role and the care taker role to a diabetic 2 yr old and all that that can bring.

and then, not to long ago, a girl that I really liked but for my own selfish reasons had taken her out of my life, re-entered. and with a bit of a force! A force I was not quite ready for, but she just wouldn't take no for an answer, and I'm sure glad she didn't!!

Anyway, she's a blast to be around and she also teaches me so many things by just being herself. Realizing who she is, and what works for her and going with it. If she wants to stretch or rub her legs cause that's what helps her to ground out, so be it. It's so nice to have this reflection back in my life.

I feel like she's here to help me recognize the things I need to work on to get to where I want to be. Actually I think she's here just to remind me of what I already know. I just need to trust myself.

hmph, yeah. I think that'll do. Trust. yeah.

Well, 'til next time!

Reawakening

Wow! What a weekend!

I have gotten reacquainted with the hippie in me. Wow. Poor girl. She's been locked up in such a small box for so long! She kinda went a little crazy when she got out.

I guess I didn't realize how much of a hippie I really am. I really do believe in energy. I can really feel it. I am an intuitive person. And that is OK. I have denied myself for so long now. No wonder I have been trying to find myself. I know I'm a wife and a mother of two; a crocheter/ knitter; a dog owner. But what type? What type of mother, what type of wife? A good one? A bad one? Mediocre? Is it all just so black and white? I think not. That's why there are rainbows.

Colors. Lots of colors. I've discovered that I need lots of colors. I don't really care for the rainbow, but lots of colors are good. Like lots of different colors of rocks. I have so many crystals. I have 18 spheres alone! WHY??!!Oh yeah, they're so pretty. I miss just looking at them, feeling them. It's crazy to me. I have a metaphysical book that gives the meanings for the rocks. It's pretty crazy that I can be drawn to certain stones and the meaning (somewhere in there) be right on.

Same with tarot cards. Well I use the Faerie Cards. Not really tarot to me. But then again. I don't really use them like the book says. I just see how it pertains to me and my life. Is it going to help me. AM I going to help me? No one can do it but me. Not even a counselor. Sure I can go and they can talk, but it still comes down to me implementing their advice. I know I can give good advice, so I just need to take it. Plain and simple. I just need to figure my shit out. Easier said than done? Maybe. I think it's more about ending old habits. Acknowledging and thinking bout what is really going on in my head and acting appropriately!! Geez. I'm not asking that much of my self. Just a complete life change.

I was noticing that all my rants were negative! So negative! Yuck!

In my last post I was saying that I needed to find a way to ground out. Get all that pent up, negative energy out of my body and mind. And I did. I used to walk a lot. I didn't have a car for a long time and I would just throw a backpack over my shoulders and go. I would get to process my day before I got home. I had some time to think it out, get it out while I was pounding the pavement, walking faster, harder to make my destination.

Fast forward to now, I have two kids, and a mini van. I love my mini van. I now hate to walk. funny. I didn't mind not having a car, so why does the thought of walking make me wrinkle my nose?

Anyway, I have a friend, (I think this is a real one too!)that is one my level. She knows about the same things I do, but she knows more about them. Like spiritual stuff and like color therapy and that kind of hippie stuff that I'm totally into and have just sorta forgotten about. Kinda like how I've sorta forgotten about my spirituality. I am a hippie. Just not a dirty smelly, hiding behind a label so they can feel better about the fact that they are just... I'm not sure what they exact word is that I'm looking for here. But, like I try to use the chakra and colors and crystals and even tarot cards and things to help guide me to what the problem is and what it is I need to fix.

Like I've been drawn to red and orange a lot lately, Hmm, funny, I've been having grounding and family issues. Interesting. But I believe in that stuff. It resonates true for me. And if it doesn't for you? Well, that's OK. You don't have to believe what I do. That's part of the beauty of this human experience is that we are all different.

Anyway, this was supposed to be a happy post, and I still feel like it's a pretty heavy one, but whatever. I feel much better with my being and my soul today than I did yesterday and that's the real point.

Namaste, my friends!

Ahhh! Where to start? So do people use these things as like diaries open to the public? I dunno.

So I've come to find out a few things about myself recently. Not like I didn't know about them before, but I guess you could say I choose not to acknowledge them. Like, I'm sensitive. My friends tell me their shit, and then it becomes my shit. YAY! I have a friend that has a rough marriage, and I don't. my husband and I deal with things differently. I'm really not trying to judge here, but what it really comes down to is that I that on her energy. Her marriage is having problems, she has these complaints. Then I start to notice that some of the things her hubby does, mine does too! But while her hubby may do it everyday, mine may do it only once in a while. our issues are completely different. but then again we are completely different people.

I think I just get tired of hearing folks complain about things and NEVER do anything constructive about it.

then I have my best friend. and I just don't even think I can get into writing about her. She needs to write a book. That being said, she's really going through it, and I love her, but I don't know how to help. She needs to do it on her own. she has always been looking for someone to swoop in and fix her life for her (it's been a REALLY hard one. I don't blame her). But at some point, you have to stop the pity party and move on.

God I sound so heartless. The thing is that I don't know how to let go of their shit. I don't know how to hold space with them, be there for them, and when the phone call or the visit ends, let that go. I carry it into MY life. I'm short with my kids, my hubby. then what? Now I'M choosing their life of strife!! No! Dammit! I've worked very hard to be where I am. I work hard to own up to my demons. Am I proud of all the decisions I've made in my life? NO. But do I just sit there and let it eat at me everyday and be this negative, nasty person ALL the time? No. No thank you.

But then what do I do about the friendships? I can't, or rather don't feel right about severing the ties, I love these ladies. we've been through a lot together. they are bright and wonderful people, but they let their baggage get under their feet.

I'm at a lost. The only thing I think I can do to honor us all is ti figure out a way to ground out. because even if it's not them, it'll would be some other person in my life. So regardless of who it is tell me their problems, I need to know how to let their stuff be their stuff.

Oi vey. life can be so simple, yet immensely difficult at the same time.

Oh, and my body hurts, and it's pretty much time for my moon to come and visit. again, YAY. :^