Reflections

Reflections of my soul. they are many, like the many facets of a finely cut stone. The depth, the flash of color, the beauty. It's all me. And I like it. I think it's nice to be able to say, 'Yea. Yea, I AM OK.' And truly believe it.

Now, I 'm not saying I'm perfect. If I was, I would have nothing to work on. And what fun would life be if I didn't have anything (or part/ aspect of myself) to work on? Nobody really wants to be friends with a perfectionist. As a human being, I can strive for perfection in certain areas that I would like to do well, but I can't be perfect in every way. And THAT'S OK!!!!

I do feel more balanced. I am better able to see my emotions, now it's catching them before they (the nasty ones that I'd like to get under control) come out. But I've one way for my whole life so far. It's hard to undo 30 years of habit. So as long as I take it slow, one step at a time, I will be where I want to be.

And that's all that matters to me. I'm getting to the point to where I just don't care what other folks think of me. I don't care what strangers think of me. I've always been very worried about the judgements of strangers.

I've had a hard time adjusting to being a mom and housewife because I've been trying to cram myself into some sort of labeled mold that I just don't fit into. But all that matters in the big picture of things is, how is my kid? Is he good? Is he where I'd like him to be? does he reflect the type of mother that I am, and is that OK with me? And you what? He's a good kid. He's smart, he's pretty well behaved, he says please and thank you (most of the time). I mean, really, what more could I want? And why would I want more? He's perfect just the way he is!! (Can you tell I'm reminding myself?)

But anyways, this Journey we call Life is a very interesting one. It has it's ups and downs. And when I die I'd like to say, I enjoyed every minute of this, sometimes chaotic, life.

Blessings to you, my unknown friends!! My life smile upon you today and every day!!

Namaste

I have a new friend.

And she is AWESOME!!!! I have been going through the last 5-6 yrs pretty much devoid of 'spirituality.' My reason? Well, falling in love can do funny things to a girl (if she lets it).

Not that it's his fault, but my hubby just doesn't really believe... in anything. I guess he is teh true definition of agnostic. He doesn't denouce it, he just needs more proof. And, well, I can get pretty airy faery about what I believe in. And for some reason or another I became ashamed of my beliefs around him. And well, we're married and we have two children now (4yr and 12mo.), so we spend a lot of time together. So I just put the little hippie girl in a box and forgot about her. Then she even got pretty covered up and the mom role and the wifey role and the care taker role to a diabetic 2 yr old and all that that can bring.

and then, not to long ago, a girl that I really liked but for my own selfish reasons had taken her out of my life, re-entered. and with a bit of a force! A force I was not quite ready for, but she just wouldn't take no for an answer, and I'm sure glad she didn't!!

Anyway, she's a blast to be around and she also teaches me so many things by just being herself. Realizing who she is, and what works for her and going with it. If she wants to stretch or rub her legs cause that's what helps her to ground out, so be it. It's so nice to have this reflection back in my life.

I feel like she's here to help me recognize the things I need to work on to get to where I want to be. Actually I think she's here just to remind me of what I already know. I just need to trust myself.

hmph, yeah. I think that'll do. Trust. yeah.

Well, 'til next time!

Reawakening

Wow! What a weekend!

I have gotten reacquainted with the hippie in me. Wow. Poor girl. She's been locked up in such a small box for so long! She kinda went a little crazy when she got out.

I guess I didn't realize how much of a hippie I really am. I really do believe in energy. I can really feel it. I am an intuitive person. And that is OK. I have denied myself for so long now. No wonder I have been trying to find myself. I know I'm a wife and a mother of two; a crocheter/ knitter; a dog owner. But what type? What type of mother, what type of wife? A good one? A bad one? Mediocre? Is it all just so black and white? I think not. That's why there are rainbows.

Colors. Lots of colors. I've discovered that I need lots of colors. I don't really care for the rainbow, but lots of colors are good. Like lots of different colors of rocks. I have so many crystals. I have 18 spheres alone! WHY??!!Oh yeah, they're so pretty. I miss just looking at them, feeling them. It's crazy to me. I have a metaphysical book that gives the meanings for the rocks. It's pretty crazy that I can be drawn to certain stones and the meaning (somewhere in there) be right on.

Same with tarot cards. Well I use the Faerie Cards. Not really tarot to me. But then again. I don't really use them like the book says. I just see how it pertains to me and my life. Is it going to help me. AM I going to help me? No one can do it but me. Not even a counselor. Sure I can go and they can talk, but it still comes down to me implementing their advice. I know I can give good advice, so I just need to take it. Plain and simple. I just need to figure my shit out. Easier said than done? Maybe. I think it's more about ending old habits. Acknowledging and thinking bout what is really going on in my head and acting appropriately!! Geez. I'm not asking that much of my self. Just a complete life change.

I was noticing that all my rants were negative! So negative! Yuck!

In my last post I was saying that I needed to find a way to ground out. Get all that pent up, negative energy out of my body and mind. And I did. I used to walk a lot. I didn't have a car for a long time and I would just throw a backpack over my shoulders and go. I would get to process my day before I got home. I had some time to think it out, get it out while I was pounding the pavement, walking faster, harder to make my destination.

Fast forward to now, I have two kids, and a mini van. I love my mini van. I now hate to walk. funny. I didn't mind not having a car, so why does the thought of walking make me wrinkle my nose?

Anyway, I have a friend, (I think this is a real one too!)that is one my level. She knows about the same things I do, but she knows more about them. Like spiritual stuff and like color therapy and that kind of hippie stuff that I'm totally into and have just sorta forgotten about. Kinda like how I've sorta forgotten about my spirituality. I am a hippie. Just not a dirty smelly, hiding behind a label so they can feel better about the fact that they are just... I'm not sure what they exact word is that I'm looking for here. But, like I try to use the chakra and colors and crystals and even tarot cards and things to help guide me to what the problem is and what it is I need to fix.

Like I've been drawn to red and orange a lot lately, Hmm, funny, I've been having grounding and family issues. Interesting. But I believe in that stuff. It resonates true for me. And if it doesn't for you? Well, that's OK. You don't have to believe what I do. That's part of the beauty of this human experience is that we are all different.

Anyway, this was supposed to be a happy post, and I still feel like it's a pretty heavy one, but whatever. I feel much better with my being and my soul today than I did yesterday and that's the real point.

Namaste, my friends!

Ahhh! Where to start? So do people use these things as like diaries open to the public? I dunno.

So I've come to find out a few things about myself recently. Not like I didn't know about them before, but I guess you could say I choose not to acknowledge them. Like, I'm sensitive. My friends tell me their shit, and then it becomes my shit. YAY! I have a friend that has a rough marriage, and I don't. my husband and I deal with things differently. I'm really not trying to judge here, but what it really comes down to is that I that on her energy. Her marriage is having problems, she has these complaints. Then I start to notice that some of the things her hubby does, mine does too! But while her hubby may do it everyday, mine may do it only once in a while. our issues are completely different. but then again we are completely different people.

I think I just get tired of hearing folks complain about things and NEVER do anything constructive about it.

then I have my best friend. and I just don't even think I can get into writing about her. She needs to write a book. That being said, she's really going through it, and I love her, but I don't know how to help. She needs to do it on her own. she has always been looking for someone to swoop in and fix her life for her (it's been a REALLY hard one. I don't blame her). But at some point, you have to stop the pity party and move on.

God I sound so heartless. The thing is that I don't know how to let go of their shit. I don't know how to hold space with them, be there for them, and when the phone call or the visit ends, let that go. I carry it into MY life. I'm short with my kids, my hubby. then what? Now I'M choosing their life of strife!! No! Dammit! I've worked very hard to be where I am. I work hard to own up to my demons. Am I proud of all the decisions I've made in my life? NO. But do I just sit there and let it eat at me everyday and be this negative, nasty person ALL the time? No. No thank you.

But then what do I do about the friendships? I can't, or rather don't feel right about severing the ties, I love these ladies. we've been through a lot together. they are bright and wonderful people, but they let their baggage get under their feet.

I'm at a lost. The only thing I think I can do to honor us all is ti figure out a way to ground out. because even if it's not them, it'll would be some other person in my life. So regardless of who it is tell me their problems, I need to know how to let their stuff be their stuff.

Oi vey. life can be so simple, yet immensely difficult at the same time.

Oh, and my body hurts, and it's pretty much time for my moon to come and visit. again, YAY. :^

I hurt. I'm in pain. I'm full of hatred, anger, angst. I want to be destructive. I feel like I have been destruct, torn apart. The seams have busted open, my polyfill stuffing is spilling out everywhere. The tufts of stuffing are so light that the swirling winds of my tortured soul are blowing them into the eyes of my lovers. And the more I try to gather myself, the more the stuffing comes out. Thus in turn creating those swirling winds. All I want is some piece of mind. I want the winds to stop. I want to stop. I'm tired of picking up the tufts, the pieces of my mind, my heart, my soul.

So here I have these thoughts. I feel worthless. I feel like I have nothing to offer. I feel stripped of all light. All things bright. I'm losing interest in the things I love. The things that are the most important to me. I don't (this sounds horrible) have the emotional stamina to deal with my 2 year old, Diabetic son. I have a hard time realizing and keeping at the forefront of my brain that he is 2. And he's so sweet, and kind and caring, and I don't really care. I mean, I do. Please don't think that I'm not caring for my child. I have to. Being Diabetic is life threating. if there is not proper care, he doesn't live. THEN I would have a right to say that life is worthless and empty of all meaning.

But that hasn't happened. And I still feel worthless. I still feel like it's a f*ckin' joke man.

I'm just at a total loss. I almost can't feel anything. It's like when the water is so hot, it's cold and you don't realize until you're already burnt.

Ultimately, I just want to be ok. I want to be the best momI can be for my beautiful son. I aspire to be a good wife to my absolutely wonderful, amazing, awesome husband. That's not asking too much, is it?

Holidays

Holidays aren't very much fun for me. I mean it's great as long as the only thing I deal with is the family members I'd like to deal with. But that's not how life works.

So this rant kinda goes along with the previous one. Things haven't gotten any better between my mother and I. And acutally things have gotten worse (see previous post for details if interested). My grandparents (my mother's parents) have now decided to get involved. As I now see it, they have taken sides.

So what happened was this:

My grandfather calls me one Sat. afternoon. I'm pretty sick with a cold and so is Rylan. Here's how the phone conversation went:

G: Hey Rava, How's it goin'?
Me: Oh ok. How are you?
G:Oh, alright. Yea, so what I'm calling about is, we (my grandparents) were having lunch with your mother and we were talking, and would you bring Rylan (my 2yr.old son) to our house for about a 1/2 hour so your mother can see him?
Me: *Jaw dropping* Um, No. I'm not comfortable with that. No, I'm sorry.
G:Well that's what I figured.
Me: I'm sorry that you're in the middle grandpa.
G: Well I'm not. That's all I was calling for. I'll talk to you later. Bye now.
Me: *Confusion* Ok. bye.

My Grandparents were the last little bit of hope I had in my 'blood' family. I don't understand why they are acting this way. I had a horrible time with my father. And they are putting me through the same sort of bull crap! They saw me struggle at the ages of 13 -15. I was horribly depressed, a mild alcolholic, and sucidial. Then, I really didn't have anything to live for. I was so young. Now, I'm a mother and a wife, and I don't feel worthy. I don't feel like I want to live. Kinda like 'what's the point?'

But how fucked up is that for my husband and son. My son is Diabetic. My family needs me. And I am having the hardest time being present for little sweet bug. I've been in tears for three days now. I don't know wat to do. This is the reason I've been sad:

Tues. the 14, Jason (my hubby) went to get the mail at his shop and there was a piece of trifolded paper in the mail box without an envelope, no address on the outside, nothing. It was a letter from my mother to my husband. I still have it. I'm going to post it because it makes absolutely no sense. I wish I had a scanner, then you could see where she made little marks like they are points NOT to be missed. And I'm copying this word for word, letter for letter. I mean it's typed on a computer, and I know they have spell check on their computer.

Not only that, but I was talking to my husband about this and I told him that with the fact that my grandparents are now against me, I feel like she's trying to turn my husband against me. And he brought up the point that maybe she really wanted Jason's parents to get it first. So what, are you trying to isolate me? It's like she's an abuser and I'm the abusee. She's trying to take away all that means something to me in order for me to feel completely alone, so the only person I can run to, to make things better, is her. Then she would get her way.

So here's the letter she sent:

Dear Jason

I'm writing to you to see if the problems can be taken care of. This can be done if the family's would sit down and talk. Rava is not having anything to do with her family. Jason no one deserves to have Rylan out of their life, or for him not to knowus he need to to know both side of the . I never did any thing for this to be like it is. What will you tell that boy when he gets older. No one can say we didn't care about him. Jason I wouldlike to know if Rylan gets the card, and if he gets to have the gifts that I send to him. (I'd just like to state that she sent a 2yr. old a Halloween card. He can't read yet. I felt she's just trying to throw pins and needles in me) We all need to remember their is two sides to every story. WE need to all be a family and stop this hurting. Rava said that I made you feel ike you couldn't take care of your family becouse of me buying things for the family. Sorry, I did it becouse I wanted to. I never thought for one minute. Jason things were said about me not being able to care for Rylan if something happen. Ask Rava who's been the one that has take care of every thing in the family when Alisha was drowning who's the onethat jumped in and saved her when on one was doing any thing at the pool but screaming (ok, so I need to add here that Alisha was 3 yrs. old. There were two adults and three shildren there the day Alisha jumped in the pool. The two adults were my mom and her sister. Alisha is my cousin. The third child that was there was her little brother that was about 1 1/2 old. So honestly, do you really expect the mother to be doing anything more than screaming? One of the adults needs to saty out to protect the other children that are present. Plus, my mother was the closest one to the pool. Rose, the aunt, was doing something with Anthony. So I don't really understand why she's bring this up as a 'valid' point.) When Bill died who was there, and so on and so on. I ask where is Rava, and what does she say. (Bill was my 16 yr old step-brother and he died in a car accident. I was 21 and had never delt with the death of someone close to me. She's the wife of a husband who had just lost his youngest son. Do you really expect him to be doing the funeral? No, do you really expect Bills' mother to do it? No, especially not when he died 15 minutes after her birthday!! Come on woman?!?!?! Where is your head?!?! Sorry I really need to vent!) I'm the one that is there where there is an emergence every time. One time 28 years ago I was up set and let my friend clean she up I never left her side, and it was the first time she got hurt. I'm the one time. (this part makes absolutely no sense. I think I have a clue as what she's talking about. Maybe when I got drug around the parkinglot be a dog when I was like 3. I thought dogs and cats could be friends. I do remember that her friend cleaned me up and that my momwas crying and could deal with me because I was bleeding all over the place and one of her friends was a nurse. I've never held that 'against' her. I was 3. I ddn't know better. I laugh at it now!) I don't run to the beach or to Armstrong grove. I take care of things. For every action there is a reaction. Look around you and you can see life is short. Peopleare around for only a short time. IS THIS HOW IT'S TO BE. DOES ANYONE THINK THIS IS HEALTHEY. Jason I weas upsetabout Rylan falling off the bed not becouse of him getting hurt I know she would do this again. I'm not the one that has done this for the thrid time. I'm not trying to couse any more problems I hope you see that.

Judy

p.s. I never wanted this to happen I think this is a sad thing.


So Jason got this on Tues, like I said. well he know that this is been really hard on me and that any time I see them or get something from them, it sends me for a few loops for a few days. (I know I'm so dramatic!!! It's hard to give all the history in such a short note ;^) right!) Well Jason didn't tell me that he had even gotten this letter until Fri. He had written her back during that time. So here is what he had to say in response to her letter:

Judy,

First off....I never once said that I thought you were buying things for us because you didn’t think I can take care of my family. I don’t know where you got that impression and it most certainly is not true. I have no reason to believe that anyone would think that of me. It is possible that Rava may have said something and then it was misinterpreted. (This seems to happen often). That being said...every gift given by you has been very much appreciated.

We never thought that by us saying we were uncomfortable with you watching Rylan by yourself; would make you think that we didn’t want you to see him. We also didn’t say it because we thought that you would not know what to do if something happened, we were afraid that something would happen. Example: In the first 2 years that I have known you, there has been 2 occasions when you blacked out because of an asthma attack. As Rylan's parents we had to ask ourselves: what would happen if a blackout occurred while playing in the back yard, next to a pool without a cover on it? On another note, what would happen if a piece of a gun was mistakenly not removed from the firearm and Rylan curiously fiddled with it? I am not going to get into every little thing that made us uncomfortable, it is beside the point. If we did not say anything to you and something did happen, all Rava and I could do is say “We knew that was going to happen” and we would live the rest of our lives wishing that we had said something. Believe me when I say that it was a difficult to decision to tell you. Rava thought that you would take it the wrong way….she was right. The bottom line is that as Rylan’s parents we have the duty and obligation to do whatever is in Rylan’s safest and best interest. What we did was not a malicious doing, it wasn’t an evil act against you and we hoped that you would understand that Rylan’s safety comes before ANYTHING. He is our son and means more to us than anything else in the world, and as his parents that is the decision we made. We only hoped that you wouldn’t take it personally.

Honestly I don’t think that this situation is all that’s going on here. Simple misunderstandings should be easily cleared up. If we want to fix anything I think that we need to tackle the bigger picture. Let me make one thing clear, this whole situation is not really about me or Rylan; it is about you and Rava.

In your letter you refer to times that you were “there” for people in the past when they needed you. I find it interesting that there is no reference to a time that you were,”there” for Rava when she, really needed you. If there were times…remind her of them, remind her that you care about her. It might be a good start for you to write her a letter, not me. In writing this letter you must be very careful not to point fingers or defend yourself. Don’t write a letter that sends the message of “I’m right and your wrong”. Rava is very sensitive to this and it does you no good. (Write a positive letter, not a negative one). You need to put everything that is in the past aside, including the current situation, and speak to your daughter from your heart, telling her how you feel about her and not how you feel about her actions or reactions. Also in your letter you said that no one deserves to have Rylan out of their life…. Well, before Rylan there is Rava, your daughter; and she is a beautiful, smart, loving adult who so far has been an exceptional mother to my son. As part of my family I couldn’t ask for much more in a wife or the mother of my child. Your comment made me I ask myself; does Rava deserve to have a family that doesn’t seem to recognize these traits and does anyone deserve to not have her a part of their life? The answer is no but we are not going to subject Rylan to a uncomfortable environment just so that people can see him. We need to be able to be at the same place, at the same time, in the same room…..positively.
It will be impossible to have a loving relationship with your grandson if you can’t have one with your own daughter.

I think in order to move forward we will have to do a little bit more than getting the whole family together to talk. Families are ok for fixing situations.....not years of bottled up emotions. I think you and Rava are going to need some counseling; together. The counselor that you see can not be yours or hers; it needs to be someone fresh that has no knowledge from previous visits.

I too wish things weren’t like this but it is what it is and at this point, it seems out of my reach.
There is not much I can do to repair Rava’s relationship with you. What I can tell you is, returning bags full of personal items, breaks her heart and only makes her feel less a part of the family.
I also know that not having a Mother hurts Rava just as much, if not more, as not having a grandson hurts you.

I will do what I need to do to help get through this but we will all need to work together to fix the root of the problem in order to stop hurting. (No flower can flourish with dead roots).


This was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. And I couldn't have summed it up any better. In fact, no one has ever been able to put our situation into words like that. Honestly, I don't think I can say much else. Other than, it's the day before Thanksgiving, and I haven't heard a word from my family. I guess they just don't love me anymore. And I guess that's ok. That's what therapist are for.

I would like to end this with the thought that anyone who reads this is having a much better time than I. And if not, I'm so sorry for your pain.

I hope all goes well for your holidays! Namaste!
Dishes