Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I hurt. I'm in pain. I'm full of hatred, anger, angst. I want to be destructive. I feel like I have been destruct, torn apart. The seams have busted open, my polyfill stuffing is spilling out everywhere. The tufts of stuffing are so light that the swirling winds of my tortured soul are blowing them into the eyes of my lovers. And the more I try to gather myself, the more the stuffing comes out. Thus in turn creating those swirling winds. All I want is some piece of mind. I want the winds to stop. I want to stop. I'm tired of picking up the tufts, the pieces of my mind, my heart, my soul.

So here I have these thoughts. I feel worthless. I feel like I have nothing to offer. I feel stripped of all light. All things bright. I'm losing interest in the things I love. The things that are the most important to me. I don't (this sounds horrible) have the emotional stamina to deal with my 2 year old, Diabetic son. I have a hard time realizing and keeping at the forefront of my brain that he is 2. And he's so sweet, and kind and caring, and I don't really care. I mean, I do. Please don't think that I'm not caring for my child. I have to. Being Diabetic is life threating. if there is not proper care, he doesn't live. THEN I would have a right to say that life is worthless and empty of all meaning.

But that hasn't happened. And I still feel worthless. I still feel like it's a f*ckin' joke man.

I'm just at a total loss. I almost can't feel anything. It's like when the water is so hot, it's cold and you don't realize until you're already burnt.

Ultimately, I just want to be ok. I want to be the best momI can be for my beautiful son. I aspire to be a good wife to my absolutely wonderful, amazing, awesome husband. That's not asking too much, is it?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

oh my god that is so me....believe it or not my daughter is now 6 yrs and has been diabetic since the age of 2 yrs...i'm there and still feel this way
talk to me